I feel a little bad that this post is so long coming, but really, this is the first chance I've had to blog since Lukai came home. See, when he came home, he very very quickly bonded to me. Attached so quickly, so much more quickly than I ever imagined. I was like "Hey, Adoption is FUN! It's NOT just getting yelled at in Mandarin!"
|This is how he looks 95% of the time with me, smiling, laughing, having fun!|
|Gets along great with his siblings!|
|He has a BEAUTIFUL smile!|
Unfortunately, at the same time, he started to reject his new Mom. And, I mean, really reject her.
I've talked about rejection before. So, I'm not going to dwell on that here. Head back two years in the blog archives here, and you can read about our first adoption where Ping rejected me... and rejected me HARD. It took months before she would hug me, spend time with me, or even let me touch her.
That was hard. I don't think that it is really able to be understood unless it has happened to you. I mean, in your head, you know WHY your child is rejecting you... but it still hurts more than you could imagine.
So, as my wife is having her heart broken, I'm stuck now on the other side of rejection... where I am loved. And my day is full of hugs, and cuddles and kisses. Me and Lukai play, and laugh and have a beautiful time. He is a wonderful, lovely little boy, who is energetic and fun! He has a beautiful smile and loves to laugh! We play so much each day and have so much fun!
Is he kind of spoiled? Maybe. He cries quick if he doesn't get his way, and he cries hard if he gets in trouble. But all things being equal, he might just be crying because he is on the verge of tears from all the change in the past 2 weeks... Even in the 4 or 5 days he has been here, he is doing so much better.
A couple days ago, I went upstairs, and I told him I would be right back (我回来，一点点). Now, I'm sure my Mandarin isn't perfect, but he should get the idea. Well, he decided to just scream and cry like he was being beaten! He actually cries so hard that he gets nose bleeds and can throw up. Crazy. Anyway, he was screaming, everyone was stressed, and I was able to eventually calm him down. Now, if I leave, I can tell him the same thing and go upstairs ... he might stand at the base of the stairs, but he isn't screaming anymore. So he IS trying to change and to be less scared/angry. With Ping, it didn't feel like she was trying to change. It was like "I'm just going to be mad at you until I think you've suffered enough".
Oh, and being able to speak to him in Mandarin has *really* helped. I know that everyone says "in a couple of months he will be able to speak english" ... but that is a couple of months of pure [beeeeeep] for everyone involved! The fist few weeks is the first impression, the first bonding moments, and the firsts for a lot of things. Being able to tell him stuff like "I told you 'no hitting'. Hitting is bad, you need to tell your sister 'I'm sorry'" ( 我告诉你不打。不打是不好。你告诉她 对不起。), and then have him go and apologize has been HUGE. Being able to tell him that he is being to loud and needs to stop, what do you want to eat, are you tired, etc. etc. etc. has been great.
I know my wife is hurting.
I know my son is hurting.
But in between that, I have this knowledge that my son likes me. And it may have taken 5 children, but finally, one of them likes me more than Mom! And maybe that shouldn't make me happy... but it does. I've been the runner up parent for the last 4 children. And it feels nice to be wanted. I feel I little guilty about this. But my heart dose break for what my wife and son are going though.
And I know what my wife is feeling. Because I've been there. I've been rejected by our child before... but I don't think Lukai is going to be rejecting Mom for long. I'm sure this time next week will be miles better.
Now, I'm going to go and watch my new son sleep... because he is a beautiful boy! My heart is bursting with love for this little guy! This adoption is still really new, but it already feels totally different... I've taken almost everything I thought I knew about how adoption goes, and tossed it out the window. Because this is totally different.
Ah yes. Totally different. Give it a bit though. The hard is different, yes. The kind of joy you feel will be different at different times too. We've been watching home movies lately. Yikes it's amazing how it hurt when Garnet detested me all through China, all through the first couple weeks. And then as if a miracle had occurred (it did!), there he was one day, actually loving me. Hugging me. Giving me those real smiles. I guess you both know this all already, but give R a hug from me. I haven't and won't stop praying. And Adrian. Stop grinning! I can see your glowing face all the way from BC! Just kidding. So happy you are with all of your family members tonight.ReplyDelete
I love his sweet smile!ReplyDelete
How my heart breaks for Roberta. I pray Lukai will heal from his hurt of losing his foster mother quickly and that he will open his heart to Roberta!ReplyDelete
How wonderful that you speak Mandarin and that Lukai has bonded so well to you.
Prayers and Blessings
Hugs to Roberta. Thank you for sharing. Being a newbie AP, I hadn't thought about DD rejecting me (in china or at home). Perhaps I should start wrapping my head around that possibility and what to do if it happens. As always, great blog.ReplyDelete
I'm glad for you, Adrian. Maybe this is a time for you and Roberta to "feel" and appreciate each other even more. She knows what you've been going through with rejection because she's experiencing it now herself, and now you know what it's like to be the parent who meets all of the needs of a child - it's exhausting. I'm sure you've already thought of this, but make sure Lukai can see how much daddy loves mommy through your interactions with her so that it makes him want to join in with you and her together. :-)ReplyDelete
He is a lovely boy. Truly happy for you in this transition...and big hugs and prayers for Roberta. Even though I don't know her, I know she is a beautiful and courageous woman!ReplyDelete
Hugs to you and Roberta. I will have to email her as well...I know how hard it is too, DD rejected me BIG TIME for the first month home, and only in the lat month has her little heart turned around. And even now 4 months home, it is still exhausting for me to constantly have to work with K and help her to realize that I am HERS and she is MINE FOREVER.ReplyDelete
I am sad for Roberta, but also a little relieved that (from the sounds of this blog post) he didn't reject her in China. I will be thinking of you all next week when you head back to work and Roberta is home with Lukai.ReplyDelete
So glad G gets her chance to be the jie jie! Hoping this will be good modeling for Ping.
Praying for the peace of God to enter your home and your son's heart. May God open his eyes to see Roberta's mother's heart and her desire to love him in only the way a mother can.ReplyDelete
Keep up the good work - you are a good Dad.
Thanks for the update. I've been thinking about you guys. I read your blog with interest because of your candid detailing of life post adoption.ReplyDelete
Hugs to Roberta... I can't imagine what she is going through.
Sara -- one of the FOI moms waiting for our referral.
Hi Roberta & Adrian. Lukai is absolutely beautiful. So glad he is finding joy in his new family. The pain and the joy are both enormous... so much adapting to do by everyone. Praying for you... Kim & DennisReplyDelete
Congratulations. SO glad he is bonding well with you, but I am praying he will bond soon with mom too. Blessings to you and yours during this happy time!ReplyDelete
Love you, Roberta!ReplyDelete