Don't you worry about: "Buying your child"

I've been noticing a theme lately in some of the blogs/fourms regarding adoption... maybe it is triggered by the tough finical times that people are going though - but the topic of money and adoption is coming up a LOT lately.  And although these discussions MAY be spurred on by peoples individual finical troubles, I think it is more likely caused by peoples individual ignorance.

Oh... spoiler alert, this is another SOAP BOX type post.  You've been warned.  :-)

Is this better...

... than this?

Someone recently posted a question about how other adoptive parents have responded to the comment that they are "buying" their children:

The other day I was talking to a friend who wanted to know where we were with our adoption and as I was telling her ... and [they] just blurted out, "Ya but you are buying her." I was mortified. I could not believe [they] had said that to me. I have never felt so bad before in my whole life. I was sick to my stomach. I really did not know what to say to [them] or the other people that were sitting there.

Now, I've blogged about this before... adoptive parents are not "buying children".  There is a legal process which has to be adhered to - legal processes costs money, mostly for services rendered.  At best, I'm paying for my Lawyer's new Yacht, or AirCanada to re-paint one of their aging A320s.  But to say we adoptive parents are "buying children" is just ignorant!  The amount of money which goes towards China (in our case) is so small in the overall costs that it is the LEAST of our expenses.

NOTE:  More info about can be found here, here, here and here using the TAGs feature of the blog for finances, money, ontario internation adoption procses and adoption process.

NOTE:  For the cynics out there, yes, child trafficking is a reality.  But it is not an 'adoption issue' - that is a global injustice issue, something perpetuated by bad people doing bad things.

 Do these same people realize that having bio-logical children costs money?!  Do they think that DOCTORS deliver babies for free?!

I've been told before that (in our case) China should just GIVE us the child.  That adopting a child should not cost anything.  In a perfect world, this should be the case.  In a fallen and broken world, maybe AirCanada doesn't have to charge us FULL FARE for our child to fly home.  Maybe my lawyer or social worker can provide services for free, or a reduced rate.  What about the hotels we stay at in China?  Or the restaurants we eat at... it should *all* be free!  Because, after all... we are "giving a child a home right!"

*siiiigh*  Welcome to the world of ignorance comments.

Would anyone expect their US Doctors to deliver their babies for free?!  No.  People are not that ignorant!  You go to a US hospital to have a baby, and you walk out with a new born bundle of joy AND a 20,000$* Medical BILL!  You have fees for staying in the hotel, er Hospital room.  You have transportation costs (hey Ambulances are NOT free), you have Doctor fees, Anastegolists fees, registration fees, fees, fees, fees!  Don't forget the meals at the hospital cafe, or the coffees from Tim Hortons!  Oh, and if you want  NEED a C-Section?!  Well, add another 5,000$ to that cost then!  I mean c'mon, you are "giving a child a home right!"

So... in response to this lady who has asked in her email "have other adoptive parents had to answer hurtful comments?" and "what did you say or do?", here is my answer...

• Smile (I know it is hard to do)
• Calmly explain that you did not buy a child
• Explain that it is expensive to adopt, but that the money is going to lawyers and government offices to ensure that children are safe and NOT being "sold"
• If you are the sarcastic type, you could ADD that if you were to BUY a child that you could have found a child for cheaper than 20,000$
• If they are still listening, I point out the fact that in North America it costs approximately 20,000$ to have a baby at your local hospital
• If you are feeling especially ornery, you could then accuse them of BUYing their child.  If they claim that they didn't have to pay (because of medicare, or health insurance) then point out that they have then "STOLEN THEIR CHILD FROM THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNER" ... after all, they didn't pay for the child to be born.  ;-)
• Then, if they are still listening, I would ask them (and provide them with information) to read up on adoption so they could maybe better understand the process**
• THEN, if they are still listening, I call them a flaming moron and slash their car tires

But hey, each time it is different - depending on who you are talking to and how willing they are to listen.
You will get better at deflecting these type of comments and questions.
Each time you answer, it will get easier.
No, it will never stop hurting.
No, you can not say what you "want" to - at least I can't, because I want to say many horrible things to these people... but we have to be bigger than that.  We have to educate people, not berate them... no matter how ignorant and hurtful they may be.

But that's just me... and yes, sometimes I'm sarcastic and ornery.  But mostly, I'm in love with my children, bio-logical or adopted, and I will not stand idly by while people hurt their feelings.

* == Source information on costs of having a baby:  http://www.costhelper.com/cost/child/baby-delivery.html
** == It is normally around this point where they realize that they don't have an informed decision and that they don't WANT an informed decision and walk away