Thursday, October 14, 2010

1 Birth, 1 Loss

Yesterday was Pings 5th Birthday, and it started off with a bang!
Ping doing Daddy's Nails while talking with our Adoption Practitioner 

Our for the Birthday Dinner

Opening some presents

Getting a hug for some presents

Opening some gifts from Grandma/Grandpa

Got a DS!

I'm 5!!!

Me:  Unh, yes... yes it is.  It is also 4:30 in the morning!
Me:  Now?  Of course baby.  What do you want me to see?
Ping:  Downstairs!  Come see!
...I stagger downstairs with our brand new 5 year old daughter...
Ping:  See Daddy!
Me:  Yes, it says "Happy Birthday!"  (we have a big Happy Birthday sign hanging above the table with some balloons and decorations)
Ping:  And look what I can do!  *mumble* *mumble* *mumble* quai ler!  *mumble* *mumble* *mumble* quai ler!
Me:  Are you singing, "Happy Bithday" in Chinese?
Ping:  YES!

This was the 1st time she has EVER tried to speak in Chinese with us.  I'm sure it is significant in some way.  She was very proud of herself.  So we sang it a few times in Mandarin and then had breakfast.

Now, Pings birthday would have been busy enough, but we also had our meeting with Adele our Adoption Practitioner (AP) this morning.

The meeting went really well with our AP, but there was a bit of bad news...

Adoption Practitioner (AP):  Well, that's all the information, so you can adopt a child up to 3 years old.
Wife:  What about a child, say, born in 2002?
AP:  The policy is not to disrupt the birth order of the children.
Wife:  I know, but it is possible, right?
AP:  Yes, but all the studies have shown that it is very disruptive to the rest of the family and generally not a good idea.
Wife:  But if we wanted to do it, you could write to the government and  recommend it.
AP:  No I couldn't.  Well, I could, if I did believe that it was recommendable.  However, I do not recommend it for your family, so I can not write to the government and say that I do recommend it.
Wife:  So you won't recommend us for adopting an 8 year old?
AP:  No.

And just like that, as we were celebrating the birth of one child, but we were also silently morning the loss of another.

And I'm not looking for suggestions of "change AP", or "fight the government", or anything like that.  That is not the point or purpose of this posting.

What this is about, is loss.

Now, we were not far into the process of this adoption yet... but it is amazing how quickly you can start to attach to a child and feel loss when things do not go the way you plan.

While we were in China with out adoption, one of the families travelling was told they could not adopt their child because something went wrong and he was in serious condition in the hospital.  By the time they traveled home, they were able to adopt a different child.  Everyone would think that they should be thrilled... but that everyone would be wrong.

This family has had the picture of this particular little boy on their fridge for over 7 months.  And before that, they had waited years.  Every night they went to bed, probably dreaming of this little boy.  They built a nursery.  They picked out toys, and clothes and get everything set up.  They had a baby shower.  They were awaiting for their little boy to arrive!

And then, during "delivery", their baby disappeared.  After months of waiting, of praying, of thinking about, planning for, and awaiting their child, he was gone.  How could you NOT feel loss?!

Earlier in our marriage, we had a miss-carriage - we were only a few weeks into the pregnancy - but the loss was real.  The loss was real, because you KNEW you had a baby.  Maybe you didn't see them yet.  Hold them.  Carry them.  Feed them.  Change their diaper, but you HAD a baby.  The little tyke just hadn't arrived yet.

And then, gone.

So here we are... once again, feeling like there has been a miss-carriage, or in some way, a loss of a child.


  1. Love you guys. Love your hearts. So huge.

  2. You need a teary eyed emoticon Adrian, because that's what I've been doing for you guys this evening. Asking for comfort for you both - in a big way.

  3. So sorry to hear your heart is heavy. God's plan is perfect and He will reveal your child to you soon. Lean on Him for guidance

  4. I am so very sorry. I'm sure I don't have the words to say... I'm not sure what to say. Except you and this sweet girl with a smile a mile wide are in my prayers tonight. My tears are for you all this evening.

  5. "The policy is not to disrupt the birth order of the children."

    What does this mean (to the non adopting layman)?

  6. I am so, so sorry. Y'all are in my prayers. Much love to you have been such an encouragement to me.

  7. Huge hugs!

    What about disrupting the birthorder for the baby of the family? If you adopt a younger child, she will no longer be the baby?

    Every family and every child is different- sometimes this rule makes sense, other times not.

    Big hugs in however you decide to proceed.

  8. Loss sucks.

    I remember when we were first waiting for our referral from the Waiting Child program and received a call on the weekend about a child. We decided to take the night to read over the information and decide what to do. The next morning we called to ask to be locked in, only to find out that someone else locked in just a little while earlier. I still think, dream and worry about that child - even though I know she has another family now.

    The story you shared about the family in your travel group - how bittersweet! My heart goes out to them, and hope they are doing ok now.

  9. I'm thinking of you guys. Love Julio

  10. We are very sorry to hear about the loss. Trust that God will bring you where you need to be, and will bring the child meant for you. Prayers for you from us.

  11. okay...I feel and breathe for about a different adoption that would work out of birth isn't set in stone...not all HS study people are that set in what needs to be me...ours was wonderful, and could maybe make a diffence for you. Each homestudy person has a different take on it...Your child might be there...just neds a different advocate!


  12. I know FOI won't negate the issue, as you do know this , too. If they did, we wouldn't have Eli....


  13. Oh I do understand and know that loss. We had been waiting in the Taiwan program for quite some time, when I thought we'd received the file for "the one". We requested to be matched with her. Taiwan waiting child adoption works a little differently wherein each agency can submit one interested family for a child. After several weeks of waiting, we received a list of questions from her social worker, we answered them and waited 8 more weeks, SURE she was ours. Sadly for us, but happily for another awesome family, she wasn't matched with us. We really had already made so many plans for her life and care.
    I feel for your loss of that special girl you had talked about! I do think that what someone posted earlier, you may be able to find another social worker who is agreeable to your situation. Or take this as confirmation to wait a little longer.

  14. Thats an agency policy - not a CCAA policy... or at least it wasnt the last time we adopted (2008). We adopted out of birth order. 14 month old came home first, 5 year old next 2 years later, 4 year old 2 years after 5 year old came home.

    You need a different AP.

  15. As others have stated- that is not CCAA policy this is the bias of your AP. We also adopted from China out of birth order. There was no ‘writing to the government’ other than the standard LOI. What in the world’ policy’ are they referring to? I am sorry that you have encountered such a misinformed AP. If your heart has led you to this child then there is zero reason to walk away and experience this loss. Adopting out of birth order through the waiting child program was standard China adoption procedure with no extra anything involved. Very sad to think of all the older children who wouldn’t have homes if their potential parents were handed the same load of misinformation. Those children have waited too long to be undermined in such a cruel way.

  16. Thanks for all the comments on our current situation.

    As for the "out of birth order" - we know it is an Ontario Government "policy". And apparently, only Ontario has this policy in place. In other provinces in Canada, this is a non-issue. We also know that a "policy" is NOT legislation, it is not a hard and fast rule. We do know that our AP *could* have chosen to support our adoption of an older child, but our AP would have had to "sell it" to the Ontario Government.

    She choose not to.

    So we were/are left in the spot of "do we force it". Do we find a new AP who will say it is OK and "sell it" to the Ontario Government.

    Long story short... I/we think the answer is NO.

    Maybe this is getting long for a comment, and maybe this should be a blog post, but at the end of the day my stance was:
    It would be more of a "God thing" if our AP called us up next week and said "Hey, you know what, lets adopt that older girl!".

    So right now, the door to this 8 year old girl is closed - but our hearts are not.

    And I like the comment someone else said to me, "Sometimes one child is there to open your heart to another one"

  17. I read your post on NHBO and I was thinkin' about our miscarriage. and how much that hurt. and yes, now we have our oldest son -w ho would not be here if it were not for the miscarriage - however. darn. it stinkin' hurts.

    I'm praying for the little 8 year old girl to find her forever family quickly (and maybe you were a vehicle in that . . . )

    sending hugs & prayers.


  18. I have no word of wisdom. It sure stinks and who are they to say what is the best for our family. Can you get another SW maybe?

  19. Wow a year older. Time does flies. She's a big girl. With blessing to you and your family.