Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Reason I'm Getting a Shot Gun

I think there comes a moment in every fathers life where they realize that all of their hopes and dreams for their children are actually NOT under their control. This seems to be especially true for daughters... well... maybe not, maybe its just on a different level with our daughters.

Me: So I'm thinking about buying a shot-gun.
Friend: Really? I thought you opposed violence.
Me: Right, well, I do. Despise violence actually.
Friend: Soooo, why are you buying a shot gun.
Me: For the same reason you will be buying a shot gun in a few years.
Friend: I'm buying a shot gun?
Me: Yup.
Friend: Okay. Why are we buying shot guns? Is it the Zombies?
Me: Yes, er, No. Not this time.
Friend: Right.
Me: Because of a chemical reaction caused in the metamorphosis process in the pituitary glands of some land bearing mammals which will inevitability lead to a chain reaction of odd behaviors of different society members in which the damage is irreversible and catastrophic, and reason and common sense will no longer reign, there will be madness and chaos!
Friend: ... right, is this about the Zombies again?!
Me: NO! I'm talking the TEEN Years! I'm taking Puberty! I'm talking about some punk ____ boy driving up in his 1976 rusty Camero and taking our daughters out!
Friend: Aaaah! Right.
Me: My daughter got invited over for a sleep over at a friends...
Friend: Sounds like fun.
Me: No!!! She was invited by a BOY!
Friend: Dude, shes, like 4.
Me: Well thats where it starts isn't it?!!?! I mean, thats only like 8 years away from training bras (oh please let it be no less than that!!!) and boys in bikes! Then boys in cars...
Friend: ...then crazy old man on a porch with a shot gun?
Me: YES!!! Oh! I need to build a porch too!
Friend: You do?
Me: Oh course! Whats the use of having a shot gun if I don't have a porch to sit on and wait for some lame punk _____ boy to bring my daughter home by 8pm?!
Friend: You'll need a rocking chair too.
Me: YES! You better get working on your porch and rocking chair as well...
Friend: But you know, my daughter is like 2 years younger than yours. Can't we 'time share' the shot gun?
Me: Brilliant! I'll pass the shot gun off to you once I don't need it anymore.
Friend: Sounds like a good plan.
Me: Good?! Its brilliant!
Friend: ... aren't you going to have 2 daughters soon?
Me: Yes... OH MY! I'm gonna need TWO shot guns!

Its crazy what goes on in the head of a parent. At the very least, I find being a parent terribly enjoyable... if not a completely crazy endeavor. At the best, well, there really is no way to describe it. :-)

But the important thing, is that we enjoy this journey, every stage. The baby stage, toddler stage, pre-teen stage, shot-gun stage, grand children stage... so many different stages and things to do and learn. That's why I'm thinking about writing a parenting book. I'm a virtual fountain-of-wisdom when it comes to parenting! :-)

And although in some stages, we can carry our children, other stages, they have to walk it on their own. Hopefully, with careful/deliberate parenting, a whole lotta prayer, and maybe a little shot-gun, they will make it through those stages OK. :-)


  1. Very funny! I actually laughed out loud! My kids thought I was crazy! Have a great weekend!

  2. Good one Adrian. I just had the "Hmmm lets see...when will I need to buy a shot gun???" internal discussion the other day. The driver for that internal discussion??? Me and my friends when we were 13 yrs old. I think that a few of my hairs just turned grey as I thought about what me and my friends' "goals" with the girls were at 13 yrs old. Oh oh...there go a few more greys.....

  3. LOL! My DH makes comments about our not quite 3-year old getting kisses from her little boyfriends at school. She tends to hang with the boys and their trucks instead of the little girls and their princess dolls.

    I really feel for my 13-year old step daughter-- but if it is any consolation, we have not yet hit the boyfriend phase. We're living on the edge waiting for that bomb to pop.

    Happy gun shopping!

  4. Ok That right there is funny stuff!

    So what happens if he makes it past the gun...or your daughter gives you the guilt trip "Daddy, your over reacting, we are JUST friends....I trust him Daddy and I know if you love me you will trust him too"............ ;O)