Monday, October 28, 2013

Rage

2 Steps Forward ~ 1 Step Back
 
 
That is the season we are in with Mr. L
 
Maybe it's because we're moving to China
Maybe it's because Daddy has been in China
more then he has been home this past year. 
Which I know Daddy hates, but such is life right now.
Maybe it's just another stage of Grieving he is working through.
 
Maybe I am doing something wrong that is causing it.
 
But the Raging,
which for those who have walked this journey
know it is SO not the same as a tantrum,
is back ~
 
Maybe it never left,
Maybe we just were experiencing a 'break'
 
But it's back ~
 
The screaming, hitting, scratching, punching, kicking,
mommy is back.
(He doesn't do this to anyone else only Mommy and Daddy)
 
Yesterday I didn't handle it great.
 
I admit it
 
I am so disappointed with myself for being drawn in.
 
However ~ Today was better.
 
I didn't get angry, I just held him until he stopped.
Some may disagree, and I would love to
hear other knowledgeable thoughts on this!
 
But I held him, really that makes it sound nicer then what it was. 
I restrained him gently but firmly. 
I didn't cause him any pain,
but I held him till he calmed.
About 30 minutes
When he stops he often stays curled up on my lap,
even though I'm not stopping him from getting off. 
And he stays and snuggles in
 
and just breathes
and breathes deeply
 
and sometimes falls asleep after.
 
 
 
What do you do with a Raging Child? 
If you have one
or have had one,
What do you do,
What works for you?
What do you wish you knew when you were in my position?

25 comments:

  1. I have no answers my friend, but will pray for L and you!!! that is a hard one.

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  2. I really feel like nothing I do makes much difference, it just needs to come out. I can never figure out what helped the situation or made the rages go away for a while. We always try to stay near and stay calm, and name his feelings for him. I also can easily get frustrated and get drawn in. In the middle of things I just feel helpless and want to make everything better right away. Will be praying for you too.

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    1. That's what I wonder ~ Does 'it' need to come out? Or does he need to learn to stop giving into 'it' Thankyou Rochelle ~ good to know I'm not alone :)

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  3. Father, we pray for healing for Mr. L and wisdom, strength, compassion, peace, & creative ideas for Roberta.

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  4. I have a raging son from china too - holding time was the key to getting him to calm down. He still does it from time to time even after being home 5 years but its not near like it use to be. My niece from China also raged and my sister did holding time with her. The thing that helped them the most when they were old enough to express themselves was play therapy with therapists they clicked with and being treated for ADHD with aggression.

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    1. Isn't that interesting ~ I have sat back and observed how Hyper he is. And not in a 'normal' hyper kind of way. He can swing between Hyper State ~ to a Rage State (both such extremes) from time to time. I don't know what the trigger is though. I have wondered if he is ADHD. Thankyou for your comment lalalorlor, it is so encouraging knowing I am not alone in this :)

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    2. Yep - that's what my son did as well... Hyper to Rage and back again. I had to 'fake it til you make it' so long that I didnt know if I could keep going. I am glad to say my son only rages occasional now and we finally have a loving bond.

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  5. Oh. I don't even know what to say. I wish I had answers. But, it sounds like you did things right today. Don't be so hard on yourself. We fail. Make mistakes. We try again. Keep loving. Joy was a rager. Anything could set her off, but she never raged against me or her daddy. Just a bad temper. With time, and guidance, she has gotten better. But, she loves to listen to me. That makes it easier. Praying it gets easier for you all.

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    1. Thanks Cheri, I have always thought of Ping and Joy being similar in that way. I remember you mentioning Joy's temper before. She , PIng never gets physical ~ just a bad temper. Thankyou Cheri!

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  6. We have gone through rage, unlike anything I had EVER seen in my life before. Started out up to 10 times / day. Anything and everything could set her off. The anger is hard to describe. It comes from a place that is foreign, unknown, deep, personal, so scary, so overwhelming. It takes over everything, and places a family in a place of stress they didn't even know existed. Our daughter is now home 3 1/2 years. She is a different person. I would call her a "regular kid", but her journey of healing is far from over. Thankfully, her raging is nothing like it was, and we only see it at its fullest maybe, once every 1-2 months, and even then the time it takes to get through it has lessened from an hour to more like ten minutes. Our children can be so broken. It is hard to put in to words. I know how hard this can be. We lived it for the first few years home. It wiped our family to our knees. It was very, very hard. Our daughter is a beautiful, kind, sweet girl, and I am so thankful we can be a part of her healing journey. She came from a Half the Sky orphanage, had been in foster care, and came home never looking back. Sadly, she had never attached to anyone. Independent, strong personality, a survivor. But...no attachment. None what so ever. No chances given to learn how to regulate, how to feel emotions in an appropriate way. No experience on how to deal with feelings of disappointment, anger, hurt, fear. NONE AT ALL. Hang in there. It is hard, but it will get easier, for them and for the rest of you. We held, we cried, we let her rage. We gave her space, we let her know she was safe. We loved on her, cuddled her, fed her, held her. We have done it all. And, it has helped her heal. But, it ain't easy! Hang in there!

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    1. Your response here is so touching my heart ~ thankyou for that. I hate feeling so 'tired' of his behaviour, so guilty for feeling 'tired' but some days ....... I just hold on to exactly what you said, 'Loved on her, fed her, held her'. Just wish I could do more. Today was rough, and reading this helped ~ thankyou

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  7. I have only hugs and prayers.

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    1. Oh thankyou Reena, you are such an incredible mom.

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  8. We have had our share of rage here too. All we can do is hold him as well as he goes through the feelings he's going through until he calms down. Personally I think that's all we can do in that situation because there is no reasoning with them anyway. Your doing great Roberta!! We hold you up in our prayers daily!!

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  9. Our daughter would rage at least once a day for mot of the first year she was home. She didn't want to be held, she didn't want me to acknowledge she was angry. Both of those things would make her rage even more. We finally started to break through once her language started to develop (she came home at 3.5) and I would ask what was scaring her and she would just melt into me (she only did it with me not daddy) and sob as if I finally understood just a little bit what was going on. December marks our 2 year anniversary as a family and she hasn't raged in over a year. Praying your son finds peace.

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    1. Thankyou Martha, we are almost at our 2yr anniversary aswell. I really had hoped he would be 'better' by now, isn't that aweful. I know he has come so far, I really should just focus on his growth and healing and not this ~ what he is still struggling with.

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  10. I can't always hold them when they rage, at least not the whole time. I usually just stay close by and every so often I talk to her. A couple of times I gave myself a few minutes around a corner out of sight and then came to her with "oh, mama is here" and other lovey words.(This is the 3 y.o.) It worked a few times, enough that I at least try it. When the 13 y.o., bigger than me raged- as in stood still and screamed and cried and yelled- I just stood still, a distance away and waited, then firmly told him that he was out of line and needs to do as I asked. Was I afraid? yes for a little, but he has never become physical, just loud

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    1. Thankyou Chris, Today I didn't really hold him, but I stayed in the room too. I was too emotional myself to hold him, and I recognised that, so I put him in his bed and I sat in the room with him until 'it' stopped. I don't know what I would do if he was 13! *sigh

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  11. Our son used to have them when he was little. I used to hold him. He would take off his socks in a rage. Now he is older he is in controle of his rage and sometimes when he chooses to start, I tell him he forgets to take off his socks and then he is so confused, he forgets to build up his rage. He used to search anything to start to rage, he would be against anything. So I chose to bend anyway I could without loosing controle. I would agree with him about everything he said he felt. So there was no reason to rage. I always have told him: I do as I say and say as I do. He learns slowly...... It's hard, do what feels best in your realtionship with him..... goodluck!

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    1. I am going to remember that ~ to agree with him about everything he said he feels. I wonder if that will connect with him. Thanks for that idea!

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  12. I don't know what to say. So much hurt. So much pain. So much grief. So much fear. Our children are so fragile. We have started a new program with our son called TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention). Within 24 hours of beginning this new approach to parenting we saw positive changes in behaviour. It does not mean that things are perfect but much better. If you are interested in looking into this program, let me know and I can get the info to you.

    Kim

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    1. Yes ~ I am open to anything that connects with him!

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