I Just Want My Life Back!

NOTE:  I originally posted this on No Hands But Ours (NHBO), but decided to post here as well for those who may not subscribe to NHBO.  Sorry if it is a repeat for some.

Please don't take this post the wrong way, I love my kids, and although at times they can be frustrating - trying to explain that with only words on a screen can sometimes be misconstrued and seem harsher than reality.  Assume while reading this post that although I'm frustrated, I'm also smiling at the same time and not "really" angry.

So this post is a little unexpected.  I've got a post about Miss G's B-Day, and that hopefully will be funny.  I've got a post about some other stuff, again, hopefully funny.

They always look cute when dressed up as a duck

But driving home today, Ping had sad something that I think I need to blog about, even just to try to process what happened myself.

Me:  Okay, Miss G, Ping, Bing you guys just sit tight in the van.  I just have to run into the store, and I'll be back in 30 seconds.
*30 seconds later*
Me:  Okay, I'm back.  How did you guys do own your own?
Miss G:  Good.
Ping:  *silence*
Bing:  WAA BAH ZEE DE WO BU DA!!!!
Me:  Oh, I see.  Miss G, what happened?
Miss G:  Well, uh, Ping hit Bing's car seat.
Ping:  I DID NOT!!!!  WELL HE WAS BUGGING ME!!!  I TOLD HIM TO BE QUIET AND HE WAS MEAN TO ME!
Bing:  Pbbbthhwa *giggles*  wa wa hahhahaha!  *laughing*  BA BA!!!  WAZ DIZ?!
Me:  Hmmmm, yea, I could see how he would be bugging you.  Ping, were you mean to Bing?
Ping:  OH GREAT!  NOW I'M IN TROUBLE!
Me:  I didn't say you were in trouble.  I'm not even mad.
Ping:  IT'S ALL MISS G'S FAULT!!!  I'M GETTING IN TROUBLE BECAUSE OF MISS G!!!
Me:  Whoa, hold up there.  You are getting in trouble NOT because of what Miss G said, but because of how you are acting right now.  Yelling at me, getting so angry.
Ping:  GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!  (yes, she was actually growling like an angry dog)
Me:  Do you want to tell me what happened?
Ping:  WELL IT'S THAT I DIDN'T WANT A BROTHER!  I WANT MY LIFE BACK!  I WANT THINGS TO GO BACK TO NORMAL!!!
Me:  Oh baby.  I think you should stop talking now.  Because Daddy is getting pretty mad.  I don't think you understand how mad you are making me right now.
Ping:  Oh I understand.  Because I'm mad!  I DIDN'T WANT A BROTHER! GGGGRRRRRRRR!!!  WHY DO WE HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER.  I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!  I want it to go back to being NORMAL.

So I'll be honest with you.  At this point, I just calmly told her to stop talking.
Not to trivialize her struggles... I understand she is struggling with having a new baby brother.
I understand she doesn't feel quite right in the family, even on a good day, and now her little world has been thrown upside down.

I'm glad she told me how she was feeling, but I wish it was in a more constructive manner.

Bad Daddy mean while, is screaming in the back of my head "You want your life back?!  You don't like it here?  You selfish little oooooohhhhhh, you know what, go back to your orphanage is that is what you want.  You have two great parents who love you, wonderful big brothers and a big sister who love you, who have been patient with you, who have treated you waaaaay better than you deserve to be treated.  If you don't like you're nice big house, with lots of toys, and pretty clothes, then fine... you can HAVE your old life back!"  And I'm not even going to get into the blaming her sister for her doing something bad... *siigh*

Isn't that horrible?!  But I was just so angry that she would say that about her brother, with him right there.

I mean, SHE freaked out WAAAAAY worse than Bing did.  She had tantrums 10, 15, 20 times a day.  She was yelling and screaming at me for MONTHS.  It was something like 7+ months before she would even give me a hug, or stay in the same room as me.  She broke her sister + brothers things, she screamed and yelled at them almost non-stop.  She didn't share.  She didn't speak politely, she was rude and impatient.  She was selfish and self centered.

... and all her big brothers and sister did was love her and give her room to grow.

And she can't even extend a little patience to Bing while they sit in a car together and he babbles.  His babbling is "bugging her" and she feels justified to "hit him".

How can he be annoying when he is that cute.

Fortunately, Good Daddy was also some where in that head of mine... just waiting for Bad Daddy to finish his little rant.  Good Daddy reminded me that my lovely Ping was struggling with her own issues, and instead of being angry with her, that maybe I should try some compassion and love, reaffirm her place in the family and give her love to grow.

So I did stop the van, and got her out of the van so she was standing in front of me, I crouched down so we were eye to eye.

Notice Miss G in the back, plugging her ears.
Meanwhile Ping is ignoring the requests to stop banging the cymbal.
I'm thinking, this selfishness has to stop... soon.

Me:  I love you Ping.  Mommy loves you.  You're brothers and sister love you.  There is nothing you can do to make me love you less, and there is nothing you can do to make me love you more.  You don't even understand how crazy in love with you I am.  You are my most special Princess, just like Miss G, and the boys are my Princes.  You don't have to worry about Bing, you don't have to worry about having a little brother. You will always be special.  You will always be loved.  But what you said was horrible.  It was way to mean.  Your bothers and sisters never said that about you, and trust me, they had more reason to complain about you... but they didn't.  They choose to love you just as you are.  And you have to do the same to Bing.

Now, I'm not convinced I handled any of that correctly, in fact, I'm almost positive that I didn't.  I can tell, because as I'm telling her how much she is loved, she is pursing her lips as if trying to stifle a smile, and all I wanted to do was wipe that infernal smile of her face...  ah well... I guess I'm not doing very well lately.

So here we are again, another blog about Special Needs... except it isn't the Spinabifida which is causing me grief.  So far, that has been much easier to deal with than her more sever Special Need - and that is the state of her heart.