Pick a Reason

Yea, I know, its been a while since I've blogged.  Sorry about that.  Really, I can't imagine why it has been so long... oh wait... right... 5 kids.  I remember now!

Oh sure, he is cute, but you aren't the one stuck
listening to him screaming the first month straight

I've been getting a lot of questions lately about our Bing who came from Foster Care and how he has been attaching.  So I figured maybe I should talk about that a bit.  Now, it isn't like I've been sitting here doing nothing.  I've started this posted and deleted it at LEAST 3 different times.  I am finding it hard to blog about something a little more heavy than normal without coming across as a bitter, sleep deprived, overloaded, stressed out parent... when I realized, that I AM a sleep deprived overloaded stressed out parent!

So give me a little grace while I try to highlight some of the differences I've seen between Ping and Bing, and keep in mind that some of my observations may be based in Orphanage VS Foster Care realities, and some may be based in the reality that Ping and Bing are two different people, and they process things differently.  So this is by no means a definitive list, correct list, insightful list, or complete list.  It is not a list of X is better than Y.  These are just some of my ponder-ings put down on digital paper to work though my tangled mess of emotions, thoughts and hopes.

Bing's Foster Family

So... here we go...

Parental Attachment

• Ping:  Did not know what a Mom or a Dad was.  She knew the words, but NOT the meaning.  Trust had to be earned and learnt from scratch.  She had many "Moms" come and go at the orphanage.  She did not fully understand that she is stuck with us... forever.  As such, she would have a long road to attachment because she could not believe that when we said "I will love you, forever" that we actually meant, "I will love you, forever".  She maybe thought, "Or love me until your shift is over."
• Bing:  Knew family.  Knew what a Mom and Dad were to be.  In fact, he had been with his Foster Mom and Dad since he was 20 days old.  So he knew what a Mom and Dad were all about.  They were to take care of him, to love him, and protect him forever.  But, HIS Mom and Dad let him go.  To go with some strange woman to a strange place, with a strange Yeti trying to talk to him in very poor Mandarin.  As such, he has had a long road to attachment as well, because we have destroyed his trust in parents (by him loosing his parents) and we now have to rebuild that.

Siblings Attachment

• Ping:   Bonded quick with her siblings.  I guess with 500 siblings at the orphanage, this came pretty easily with her.  However, she was a little more aggressive and thought she had to fight for everything.  Her siblings giving her stuff graciously seemed to catch her off guard and she had to learn to deal gently with others.
• Bing:  Bonded quick his his siblings.  In his Foster Family he had siblings, so he knew how to share much better than Ping, but at the same time, he appears to have been spoiled rotten and the mere mention of the word "no" by his siblings would send him into a tantrum in which he would cry so hard that he either threw up or got a bloody nose.

Siblings are great!

Tantrums

• Ping:  Yes.
• Bing:  Yes.
• Every 2 Year Old I've Ever Known:  Yes.

Rejection

• Ping:  Rejected me big time.  Would scream and yell at me in Mandarin.  Would not be in the same room as me.  When the Wife would leave, she would scream for the whole time the Wife was out.  She would (once she mastered the English language) point out at every chance she could, that she did not love me.
• Bing:  Rejected the Wife!  YAY!  Okay, I feel a little bad that that makes me happy... but c'mon, finally ONE child likes me more!  But there were tantrums with Mom, hitting and crying.  But we are about 2 months home and he is already MUCH much better.
• Every other TEENAGER I've Ever Known:  Rejected both Mother, Father, Grandmother, Grandfather, Aunt, Uncle, Neighbour, Friend, Stranger and them selves.

So much nicer that she isn't yelling anymore

... to sum it up, your adopted child is going through so much trauma it is amazing that they turn out as well as they do.  Foster Care, or Orphanage care, the bottom line is that they have lost everything, and their worlds have been turned upside down.  There is no easy way to walk though this.

But there were differences between Ping and Bing.  Both grieved heavily.  However, Ping grieving was masked behind a veil of rage and anger.  While Bing has been struggling though a cloud of sadness and fear.

You provide for them a loving environment, room to work though their loss, and a little bit 'o God thrown in there, and maybe things will turn out OK.

And even if things don't turn out OK, its hard to blame the adoption when the truth of the matter is, these poor children are stuck with US as parents.  It is like blaming the car manufacture when you have an accident and you were the driver...

... unless you own an Saturn.  Then it really IS the cars fault.