Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Saving a child doesn't work...

There were so many things I could have titled this post.  But this one title stuck "Saving a child doesn't work". I guess the title doesn't really matter... but it is an indicator of how much I struggled with this post.  There is much more I want to say on this... but didn't.  There are many things which I cut out after re-writing this post for the 3rd time in two days... but here it is, as it is.  This post has really been bugging me, which probably means there is a reason I need to post it, and can't get it out of my head.

Who saved who?
Me:  ... but if we ever did start an Adoption Agency, we would have to have a new rule.  No one can name their child Grace.
Wife:  Thats a silly rule.  What, because there are SO many Graces who have been adopted?  What about Hope or Faith?  Do we have to ban those names as well?
Me:  Yea, maybe.  I'm not sure yet.  But think about it, every disrupted adoption I know of, came at the expense of a child named Grace.
Friend:  Oh, thats an interesting observation.
Me:  I donno, maybe these parents going into Adoption thinking they are going to "save a child" are going into adoption for the wrong reasons.  Maybe they shouldn't be trying to "save a child".  How about they just start by loving that child, and seeing what happens.

She didn't need saving... Well, wait, she DID need saving, but not by me.
What did she need from me?
Love.*

Which is a good thing.  Because, I can't save her.  I can't save anyone.  At best, I can try to not mess my children up sooooo badly that they wind up in therapy by the age of 12.  Besides, there is only one person who can save people... and it ain't me, probably ain't you either, and my wife might just think it is her... but she would be wrong as well.  :-)

But I can love them.
I can hold them.
I can dream for them.
I can provide them with a father.
And WE can provide them with a family.
I can do many things... but I can not save them (and what I AM able to provide is so very important for our children).

Call me crazy, but maybe if I spend more time loving my children for the way they are, rather than trying to fix them (or turn them into who I think they should be), we all might just wind up being "saved" after all.


So, as we enter Adoption #2, I'm not going to be focused on trying to save a child (that never was my intent or job anyway).  I'm just going to be focused on loving our child... and I'll let the saving part work itself out.

* == Love doesn't always replace knowledge though, you still have to be an educated and a smart parent (especially when adopting**).  Sometimes Love isn't always obvious... Love might be telling your children "No", when you want to say "Yes" and stuff like that.  I'm not saying "just love on them, and let them do whatever they want" ... you've still gotta be the parent and help guide them along the path of what is good... but we are called as parents to Love our children - let God do the fixing and saving...

** == I take that back.  Many horrible people in this world were NOT adopted, which proves biological children can be REALLY messed up too.  So you gotta be a smart, educated parent no matter what.

9 comments:

  1. As always, thank you Adrian. Very well said.

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  2. Ah (and I agree with your premise!) but what about the fact that we need to be grace givers too? At least that was our take on it. ;)

    Mom of a Grace (& very aware of the Grace's you speak of and hurting too).

    As for Love - The Mayernick's have a Josie Love, perhaps you could go that route. :)

    BTW - I am all with you in the Anti-Saving a Child ranks, also the "Meant to Be" ranks. As much as that is a factor, it is or should be a factor in turning us to be Thankful to Him that we get to be the ones to be there for our kids (bio and adopted).

    Another thing is the fact that so many of us as believers act like God is not in China. Or that He can not or will not work in China. HE can and will speak to those who desire to know Him. He provides a way for each of us aside from our geographical placement. But that leads into a whole other discussion about missiology... :) I'm just so glad to be the one to teach my kids about Him and that attitiude of thankfulness is where I want to rest.

    {And I forgive your dissing my daughter's name. :)}

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  3. Ah yes, well the 1st My Daughters name is Grace comment, and its from you. :-)

    Nothing against the name... its a pretty name. And as a multiple time adopter, I'm sure your definition of Grace was quite different than those attempting this for the 1st time. :-)

    See, in my mind, it goes:

    From God comes Love.
    From Love comes Grace.
    From Grace come Forgiveness.
    From Forgiveness comes Salvation.

    A little simplistic, I know. However, I'm not God, so I start as close to the top as I can... Love. :-) So is grace needed? For sure. But the grace comes from a place of Love, not a place of "fixing" someone.

    Now, I think *some* people see it differently, more to the point of:

    From Adopting comes Grace.
    From Grace comes Forgiveness.
    But Forgiveness without Love is nothing but a clanging cymbal... or a noisy gong. ;-)

    I would feel much better if Adoptive PARENTS were to change OUR names to Grace. Because so help me, our Children need LOTS of grace for US! Cuz we make so many mistakes... and get so many things wrong. :-)

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  4. And I agree with you 100%. it shows the journey you guys have walked with Ping and are now walking with others close to you. I think that the hardest part for most adoptive parents is the reconciliation between what might have been and what is. But that's not really what you are talking about and I respect that. The screening process for APs should involve a few other areas IMHO. As for the healing of hearts that have been so badly toyed with, I am truly thankful that He is the Master Healer (and I say that as a person with wounds that have truly could only have been healed by Him) and He is so wonderfully able to fill those holes that even we, as well meaning and informed, parents can inflict on our loved ones. Yes, I think we should all rename ourselves with grace. And my heart does ache for the little ones that have been trampled in the process of "righteous saviours". They are never far from my mind. Sorry, too late and not much added to what you wrote.

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  5. Well, my first (adopted) daughter's first middle name is Grace as well, so I guess I screwed up, too. But I didn't "save" her, I simple opened up my arms and heart and welcomed her inside (where, by the way, she fits perfectly along side her little sister and three great big brothers and assorted other folks on this planet!) I'm one of those anti "meant to be" people as well.

    I understand what you're saying, though.

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  6. Great post and a wonderful reminder to simply love our precious babes and not always be trying to 'fix' their little quirks.

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  7. I can tell that you struggled with this one Adrian...to a certain extent it lacks the normal level of completeness that I am used to from you. I can't help but be curious about the rest of this story. Not asking you to elaborate, I know that if you rewrote it and didn't include things you must have a good reason for it.

    Anyhow, I find the notion of someone going into adoption with the idea of "saving" the child(regardless of what they name her/him)somewhat bizarre. I can't imagine it, but....

    We went into our adoption with the goal of loving our little girl and sharing our life with her.

    Well, the other day I did try to save her from eating the bunny poop that she found on the floor....does that count???

    Yep, we have not one, but two bunnies...don't tell D though. But you can tell him that when they eat the plants it makes them poop, which makes great fertilizer to grow more plants ;-)

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  8. "We went into our adoption with the goal of loving our little girl and sharing our life with her." -- aaaah, thats the right reason! :-)

    The other 1/2 of the post is very God orientated. How only He can "save", and we are to love those around us. He will do the saving, and fixing the things which are broken in their lives. We try so hard to fix things which we simply can not. No matter how hard I try, I can not stop the pain in any of my children's hearts. Biological or adopted. I can hold them (love), I can listen to them (love), I can sympathize with them (love), I can encourage them (love), etc... but I can not fix them.

    I've found so many people who make comments that we "saved a child", and I've seen families adopt to "save a child", and I fear that some of these people are missing the point.

    I feel I'm called to Love a child.
    If that child winds up being "saved" through that act of "love", then great... but I won't take credit for "saving" anyone. :-)

    Hope that makes sense... If not, I blame it on the lack of sleep... :-)

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  9. Makes perfect sense to me!!! I am glad I asked :-)

    I only know one Saviour...don't need any others...and either does my daughter.

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