Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Wife

I often talk about our children in this little place of insanity some like to call a blog. And in particular, I tend to talk mostly, about the new(est) addition to our family, our dear daughter Ping.

However, it occurred to me that the name of this little place of insanity is "Forever Family", not just "Forever Some Little Chinese Girl Yelling At Me In Mandarin"...

... so to that end, I intend to maybe capture a little more of the whole Family in my b__ging endeavors.

And I thought, I would take this moment to explain why I love my wife. This might also help answer some questions for Uncle Dwayne.

Uh, thats her, in the picture above... no, not the one on the right... or the middle... the one on the left. Yes, your left. Thats right. In the grey dress.

I'm so lucky!

But back to why I love my wife, I'm gonna break it down with math... :-)
  • See, the way I look at it, there are roughly 5 BILLION people in the world today.
  • Now, 1/2 of them are men, so that drops the "available" pool of wife-ly type replacements down to about 2.5 Billion.
  • Now, out of those 2.5 Billion people, 1/2 are less than average in terms of being a good wife. Which means that the 2.5 Billion candidates drop to 1.25 Billion.
  • Out of that 1.25 Billion above average wife-ly women, 1/2 of them are below average in terms of being a good mother - worse yet, 1/2 of THOSE would be acceptable to mother 2 children, and 1/2 of THOSE would be acceptable replacements to a wife and mother of 4 children. So that drops the available pool from 1.25 Billion to 600 Million, to 300 Million.
Alright, so we are down to 300 Million possible wife-ly types which could possibly do the jorb of my wife... that is, mostly, putting up with me and trying to raise 4 children.
  • Out of those 300 million wife-ly types left, at least 1/2 of them are pissed off at men for something, which drops the available pool down to 150 Million.
  • Now, that 150 Million may still seem like alot of possibilities, but consider the age old expression that "All the Good Ones are Taken". Now, thats an over statement, 100% of them are NOT taken, but lets say 80% of the Good Ones are taken. So that 150 Million becomes something more like 30 Million.
  • Out of that 30 Million, if we apply the laws of 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon (or more precisely, we are only 7 people away from knowing everyone in the planet), we can divide that 30 Million by 7 (because if she was IN that 30 million, I would have met her by now) which leaves us with 4.2 Million possible candidates for a wife-ly replacement.
  • Now, in those 4.2 Million people, at least 1/2 of them are not fit (based on the fact that about 50% of all marriages break down) which means I'll write off the 2.1 Million and save myself some headaches. So, the 4.2 Million is down to 2.1 Million available wife-ly types still hanging around.
  • So lets agree that there are 2.1 Million possible candidates in the whole freaking world who could what my wife dose. Thats only 0.07% of the Female Population which could do what she dose. So that breaks the 2.1 Million down to 147,000.
We're not done yet though... if my mother was right, I will NEVER meet a woman like her.
  • Again, 100% assurance is never guaranteed, so we will go with my mother being 80% correct, which is a little on the low end, but so be it. That drops the 147,000 down to 29,400 women.
The problem now, is that I'm currently 33... which means, I'm looking for someone between the ages of 25 to 35.
  • Which only makes up roughly 17% of the population, dropping the number down to 4,998... lets round up to 5,000 even then.
  • Of those 5,000 possible women who could do what my wife could do, statistically 50% live in 2nd world nations, and 30% live in 3rd world nations, which combined, bring the average mortality rate to almost 50% by the age of 35, dropping the number down to 2,500!
  • Out of those 2,500, I'm sure 1/2 would reject me for the same reason as stated above with regards to marriages not lasting, so we are down to 1,250.
Things are starting to look pretty bleak right about now.
  • Lets say that OPTIMISTICALLY I hit it off with 20% of the ladies (if I remember anything from my teen years, 20% might be a little on the High side... in actuality, my success rate was probably closer to 5%) which drops the 1,250 down to 250!
  • Of those 250 women, I've dated 50. So I've got 200 left.
  • Of those 200 women, 30% would be into "other women" dropping my pool down to 140.
  • Of those 140, 45% of women are unmarried (according to the US Sensus Bureau) between the ages of 18 and 35 - which means only 55% remain unmarried, or 77.
  • Of those 77, only 33% are Christians, which brings the number down to 25
Of those 25,
  • 15 will be be on the re-bound from a bad relationship,
  • 5 will be afraid of commitment,
  • 2 were don't exist since we added them rounding up from 4998 to 5000.
  • 2 will be Bjork Fans...

... which leaves me with 1.

1 Viable Option of a Woman who can do what my wife dose. And thankfully, I already found her, and she actually married me.

I'm so Lucky. :-)

And I guess the bottom line is, if you are lucky enough to find that one special person whom you love, and loves you back, then never let go, of them. Never hold on, to anger, resentment, bitterness. Always give love, no matter the cost. And to quote something a very wise man once told me many years ago, "Remember, the one who wins the fight, is the one who says 'I'm sorry' first".


  1. Love it Adrian! I never did the math...well at least I didn't show my work, but I have always called Carolyn "my one". Now I know how I got there. Thanks. You are awesome!

  2. that was a very wise man. thank you sharing about your awesome family. i think you all are awesome. uncle duane.

  3. So two comments....
    1) Why is your compatible age range skewed younger? Shouldn't it be 38-28? Or are you intimidated by older women.... :P
    2) I think it's a male fantasy that 30% of women are lesbians... I think it's more like 10%. Good try though!

    Give us more anecdotes about Roberta! Has she asked you to paint/build anything lately? I LOVE those stories!! :)


  4. Tracy, :-)

    1) I'm intimidated by ALL women.
    2) It helped with the math... do you know how HARD it is to filter out 5,999,998 people?! Crazy hard! :-)

    And why, YES, she did, just today... before I came down here to the computer, asked me to repaint the BASEMENT... for the kids... of course... *siiigh*

    Good Fringe tonight?

  5. I love math, but got LOST in step 3 - you are priceless!!!!
    Luv ya Mom M

  6. By the way - 'THE' wife??? as in THE car, THE couch, THE computer - inanimate objects???!!!!!!
    My pet peeve!!! ask the fellows at work. They will say THE wife and wait for me to bellow from my cubicle!!!
    My dear daughter is anything by inanimate!! Love you, Mom

  7. Hey now, there are other uses for the word "the" other than to describe inanimnate objects.

    Infact, I would darest say, in truth, that the most prestigious and important things in life are prefixed with "the".

    As in, THE Lord God Almighty, The One and Only, The Way, The Truth and The Life! :-)

    I of course meant THE in that light.

    ... mind you, watching you bellow from your cubical is a pretty good reason to keep using THE as much as I can. :-)

    What about when I refer to her simply as "woman"... like, "woman, bring me my slippers"? How would that be received? You know, keeping in mind that Jesus referred to his own mother as "woman"... ("woman, what is it you would ask of me?" when turning water into wine)

    Now... if anyone is looking for me... I'll be in hiding... mostly, from ticked of woman... I'm sure the FBI has a "Witless Relocation Program"... huh, whats that? witness protection? Not, witless? Oh. Snap.


  8. This is hilarious Ade....